Your relationship is like a basketball game.
Have you even been talking to your spouse and get the feeling you are talking about two completely different things? How about when you talk to your spouse later on and bring up what you were talking about, and they remember a completely different kind of conversation? What about those times where you talk to your spouse and you feel like they are not even listening. Only to find out later that you were correct, and you have to repeat what you already said.
Take comfort in knowing you are not alone. Imagine you are playing basketball and you shoot the ball in the hoop. If you are close it may be easier and further away, it can be more challenging. Now let’s put a defender that is trying to block your shot, which makes things even more challenging. This is exactly what communication is like. You trying to shoot the ball (the ball is what you are trying to communicate) and make it in the hoop (the hoop is your spouse hearing and understanding the meaning behind what you are communicating). The defender is your spouse’s natural defenses that show up to protect them from potentially harmful communications.
- Ball – What you are trying to communicate, either verbally or non-verbal
- Hoop and backboard – The hoop represents hearing and understanding what is communicated from the ball. The hoop and the backboard are your spouse in this example.
- Distance from hoop – This represents the emotional distance in the relationship currently present; closer to the hoop is less distance while further away is more distant. You are less likely to make a shot if you are further away.
- Defender – Your spouse’s natural defenses to protect themself against any hurtful type of communication. An example may be cutting words or harsh tones.
- Defender skill – The longer the defender is out on the court the larger they get, and the harder to get past and the harder it would be to dribble the ball forward.
- Foul – Your spouse’s defender may foul you to keep you from communicating at all or to try and drive you further away from the hoop.
For example, if my wife makes a nasty comment to me, I will be more defensive about what she is going to say next. If I am used to my wife making nasty comments, I may always have my defender out, ready to swat away any ball that looks potentially threatening. The longer my defender is out, the better he will be at understanding how my wife tries to shoot the ball and able to block her better than if he is only out for a short time.
Allow me to provide a scenario for the basketball metaphor. Let’s say you come home and find your spouse in the living room:
- You: “Hello, I am home.” (shooting the ball)
- Spouse: Turns to you and says “Oh, hello! I am glad you are home.” (the ball went in the hoop)
- You: “Hey, did you get the mail?” (shooting the ball)
- Spouse: “No, I have been busy doing other things.” (defender coming out, ball may have been hit the backboard)
- You: “Okay, I have just been waiting for something in the mail I ordered.” (moving closer to the hoop)
- Spouse: “Okay… what are you buying online?” (defender blocking from getting closer to the hoop)
- You: “Just a movie I wanted.” (moving closer to the hoop)
- Spouse: “Is it a movie I will like?” (allowing you to move closer to the hoop)
- You: “No, I remember you saying you didn’t like it, but it is one of my favorite movies… So, I got it and will just watch it a night when I’m alone.” (taking a shoot)
- Spouse: “Oh okay, why wouldn’t you get a movie we both like?” (Defender blocking the shot)
- You: “Because I really like this one and wanted to own it.” (moving back from defender)
- Spouse: “I don’t even know why you like that movie.” (Defender blocking the shot)
- You: “Does it really matter, lets talk about something else.” (taking a shot)
- Spouse: “it does matter, you are always spending money on dumb things!” (defender blocking the shot)
- You: “That is not true and you know it!” (moving away from the defender and hoop)
- Spouse: “Why are you yelling at me!” (defender fouling you)
In this example, the only way for you to be able to reach your spouse is to make it past the defender, but when you move back or try to get closer they block you. The defender is something that is like filter, they only may let some shots through or none at all. You may even get to the point where you start “throwing the ball” at the defender to try and get them to stop. Look back at the example, the defender came out when the spouse said, “No, I have been busy doing other things,” when asked if they got the mail. Our defender comes out when we feel like there has been some comment against us or something hurt us. The spouse may have felt you meant they should have already gotten and checked the mail before you got home. It can be a tone, certain words, certain topics, certain times of day, or any other variety of things that get the defenders out on the court.
It is these defenders and the distance that keep our communication from getting through, our ball from making it in the hoop. If we are able to cultivate a close connection, a way to be close to our spouse on an ongoing basis, it becomes easier to stop that defender from coming out or coaxing them back off the court. Many times, it isn’t the words we say, but how we say something that brings the miscommunication into play. Understanding what brings the defenders and distance into the relationship is key to keeping them out of the game.