In a previous post, we talked about how your relationship is like a basketball game. The defender is a large part of what causes difficulties in the way we connect and communicate with our significant other. It is also the part of our protection against things that are not safe emotionally and physically. These are normal parts that show up and they come out when we sense danger or start to feel hurt. Keeping with the basketball metaphor, your defender may do several things to protect you:
- Block a shot: stop the communication or “attack” what is being communicated.
- Block getting closer to the hoop: will not soften or lower defenses when you may try to reason or connect with them.
- Foul the shooter (you): This is when your spouse may do something hurtful towards you intentionally. Like saying something they know will upset you.
- Box out (create distance or push you back): Will physically distance themselves, leave room or not talk back, or will bring up past insults into play.
It is important to remember that everyone has a defender and these are just examples. As you can tell, the defender is a powerful adversary, and while we may tend to take them head own most of the time, the best tactic is trying to coax them off the court. To do this, you need to know a few things:
- Know what brings the defender out. Knowing what the trigger for the defender coming out is essential for helping you circumvent any instances – it may be avoidable. For example, it may be as simple as a tone of voice that will bring out your spouse’s defender.
- Know when the defender is on the court. If you know the defender is on the court, that will help you know what to do vs if you have no idea if they are or not. Sometimes, knowing when your spouse’s defenses are up is easy and other times are more difficult.
- Learn to coax the defender off the court. This is one of the places that marriage counseling really strives to help you to find out how to help your spouse lower their defenses so you can take and land some more shots in the hoop to get back on track.
These three practices are about creating an awareness of what is going on, how the metaphorical basketball game is being played, and the moves everyone is taking. It also gives us an opportunity to try new things to help get the defender off the court.
By the time most couples get to marriage counseling, the defender has been out on the court for a long time and has gotten really good at blocking you. It is important to remember this is a two-way game, so the same game you play with your spouse, they are playing with you. This means both of you are contending against these defenders. This makes coaxing the defenders off the court more difficult. With professional help, even someone who has had years of hurt and pain in their relationship can start to feel and know they are heard and cared for in their relationship.