How to Be Vulnerable to Better Your Relationship
Vulnerability is Key
If you want to have close relationships around you, then vulnerability will be your ticket there.
When you can be Vulnerable, you are creating a pathway for another person to know who you are.
Letting Others In
One of the most difficult parts of being vulnerable is letting others into your own way of viewing the world.
This can be as simple as letting someone know your favorite band and as complex as talking to someone about your greatest fear.
Sharing about yourself to another person and them receiving it well helps build a safer and stronger bond between you two. This is one of the reasons why we surround ourselves with people similar to ourselves!
To learn more about vulnerability in a general sense, watch this talk by clicking below.
How To Start
You start by talking about yourself, what you think, feel, and have experienced. After you have known someone for a time, there becomes the expectation to share deeper things, which we will talk about later in this article.
Sometimes people have a hard time talking about themselves, which is normal. This just means that you get to practice doing it a little at a time!
If you are sharing with your spouse, a good place to start may be your feelings about the relationship and about them in general. What is it that you love about them or what is it that continues to draw you to them in your relationship? Let them know!
Sharing a Piece of Yourself
People in your life want to know you. When you are vulnerable you show who you are and offer it to them. Notice how I used the word offer!
When we share, we do not force ourselves because that is not vulnerability and does not create connection. Think of how often people force their opinions or political ideas on one another!
Vulnerability is sharing something about yourself and putting yourself in a position of possible being hurt. This is why being vulnerable can be risky!
Only by offering the piece about yourself, and not forcing it, can you be vulnerable.
Taking The Risk
You can be hurt when you are vulnerable. If I share with my spouse that I love watching action movies and she responds by telling me that action movies are a waste of time... I may feel like she is poking at me a little.
Normally, things like this can be shrugged off but if I share something more risky or deeper it is harder to do so.
I tell my wife I am afraid our son is developing some bad behaviors and we need to do something. If she tells me that my son does this because I don't correct him properly, that may make me angry and upset that she is blaming me.
I spoke about a fear I have, being vulnerable, and it was made to be my fault. That hurts, and is how we take risks when we share our inner thoughts and feelings.
However, if she responds by agreeing and talking to me about what we can do about it, then I feel better that we are on the same team.
It may feel a little less risky next time I want to share something troubling me.
Vulnerability and risk are also a part of our professional lives. Take a look at this article to find out more about this piece.
Being Vulnerable When You Have Been Hurt
When you take a risk, and it doesn't work out, you will be less likely to take another risk again. In marriage, this means we close ourselves off and put a wall up to protect ourselves because risking to be close is likely to cause pain. Bringing down that wall to be able to risk again is a process.
Many that are reading this, have tried to be vulnerable and have been hurt. When this happens we protect ourselves by sharing less and risking less.
This can create a situation where we are in a relationship where we do not feel close to our spouse.
This is when providing feedback is crucial. Most people don't want to jab or poke at the people they love. So sometimes when we open up and our spouse hurts us, it is unintentional.
Going back to my previous example, my wife blaming me for our son's behavior. I may let her know that when she said that it felt like she was blaming me and was saying it was my problem to solve.
Upon hearing this, it gives her feedback to how she sounded to me, and offers a recovery opportunity. She may not have meant to communicate that and now she can correct it and help me feel less hurt.
Sometimes we have to talk about how we have been hurt before we can risk again. If this is something you feel you need help with, reach out to a professional or contact us.
Creating A Deeper Connection
The strongest relationships form when we can share very deep and vulnerable parts of ourselves and those parts are understood.
If I can tell my wife that I am feeling distant from her or that I am afraid she can connect with others more than me, those are deep concerns. If she is able to accept my feelings and desires to address them then our relationship will be stronger for it.
Forging deep connections is hard because the rejection and dismissal risk feels so much higher. It is the difference between betting one hundred dollars on roulette and betting the house.
Share deep parts is more than just your fears but also your insecurities, our hopes, desires, dreams, and your confusions.
These are hard parts for anyone to talk about so I know that I am asking a tall order. Start with lighter things, let your spouse know what you are trying to do with being more vulnerable. Set yourself up for success and work your way towards deeper things to share.
As always, if you need help navigating this area, seek help! A counseling is specially trained to help access these more vulnerable parts and can help you effectively share them with your spouse!
If you know this is going to be hard for you both, take the first step towards a creating a stronger relationship and contact us!